Paul Farmer: This I believe, recorded by NPR

Two of my favorites: Dr. Farmer and NPR's This I Believe audio essays.

That topic that I'm not supposed to talk about publically

One of my friends told me once that he doesn't want to read anything about bodily functions on any one's blog. And, that's fine. I won't share any of the ugly details of my own, because frankly, I wish I didn't know any of them myself. But, I don't think we're doing ourselves any favors by not sharing information and experiences about the single thing that all of us humans have in common - the experience of having, possessing, inhabiting a body. We all have one. And none of us have much control over the form we were given at birth, or the function of that form as it grows and develops and changes over time.

In my teens and twenties, I guess I was lucky in growing a very comfortable relationship with this body that is mine. While I quietly watched and listen to my girl friends agonize about this feature or that feature, I didn't have any complaints about the way I looked: the stretch marks on my thighs didn't bother me all that much; my curly hair didn't become much of a nuisance until my late twenties and even then I embraced my unique feature; my bushy eyebrow and even my height were cool with me, even though my height made me behave in terribly self-conscious ways for about the first 30 years of my life. I'm sure I can thank my Mom and my sisters for inheriting such an calm and positive acceptance of my form. And, hey, my body worked OK too. Never had a broken bone, the only cavities I've had were in baby teeth, my poor vision was easily corrected with glasses, then contacts, then lasik. And even my allergies are controlled now by the power of Nasonex. No real complaints....until the IBS.

And now, there are days where I feel like aliens have taken over my body. The way that I feel physically, the inconsistency in the symptoms, the bizarre way that it sometimes manifests itself, all create this feeling of detachment from this form - this body - that my thoughts and mind live within. The good news is that I seem to have overcome most of my anxiety related to the IBS (thanks to being well medicated). This week while my body had a little temper tantrum, instead of completely panicking, I simply decided that I would disown my body for a while. Until it figured out what it wanted to do with itself. Until it worked out it's demons. I get that. Sometimes, a little space is needed. So, I gave my body space.

The only problem is that I can't actually take a vacation from my body. I'm with it, no matter what. It and I have a full-fledged life-long commitment to each other. It's a love-hate relationship. The same body that traps me in the bathroom for what seems like hours and days of my life also gives me the ability to run miles along my favorite city streets, study interesting subjects with energy and zeal, and exist in this physical plane along side my loved ones. But the relationship now is different than the comfortable one we shared during the first 30 years of my life. Now, every plan is made with the one additional thought of, "Will my body be having a good day?" It's like a mental hurdle I have to jump over every time I say yes to an invitation, every time I plan a meal. Every time.

I suppose it will continue to get easier. But, in the meantime, what I want to say is that I'm a little disappointed, a little angry even, with my body's poor showing...

Sunny Thursday

Finishing the semester. It always feels anti-climatic. Now begins the wait for the much anticipated grade.

I think I'm happier when my mind is busy, and I feel a bit ungrounded during breaks sometimes. Like now. Unsettled.

Oldest Sister spontaneously catches flight from Atlanta to Orlando so that she can hang with Middle Sister and the niece and nephew at Sea World. Jealous.

Monday

A girl cannot live by pumpkin bread alone, although she likes to think that she can. And, I'm so happy to re-remember that Mission Home sells stuff at the Country Store - makes my addiction so much more convenient.

Nerdy nursing emailing to the left coast.

Not accomplishing my early test taking goal. Who was I kidding anyway? I function best when pressed against a deadline.

Rainy Sunday

Today was one of those days where I was paralyzed by a lack of motivation to do what I was supposed to be doing, so I mostly sat around feeling guilty about that.

Piano wasn't moved today. Makes me think of:

Now, picture you're very small,
And you've nowhere to sleep
But across the hammers of a baby grand,
And it's really playing, boy!

...because you see, piano must move out to make way for guest sleeping quarters.

Amanda rescued me from a lazy afternoon nap - she brought over cookies & bagels & tea. Which motivated me for a short (and fast!) run, then back to studying (or, see above)!

Sometimes I sing really loudly and imagine that I'd be an awesome back up singer for some of my favorite musicians. Yep.

The cinquecinto will become the new American automobile obsession, I've been hoping for that for 20 years! Because they are so cute and it's fun to see how many people you can fit inside one!

Saturday

Sleeping in - way in - for the first time in I-can't-remember-when. Thanks to the kitties for letting me.

Monticello Trail walk and finishing my errands just as the April shower began.

Laundry, laundry, laundry and putting on my summertime bed sheets.

Late night studying. Plans to take my last lecture exam a day early.

Easy-ish Thursday

Out-of-oatmeal means Bodo's in the morning. Yea!

Last chapter in A&P is the digestive system. You'd think I would have attended all of the lectures, but I didn't. And, I'm totally lost. Where the hell in the notes is there anything about pancreatic Alpha cells? Wtf?

Early to bed...early to rise?

Wednesday

Good work camaraderie - I will miss our "family".

Hosting a full house for book club with all 10 of us (plus one baby) in attendance. Good discussion of Loving Frank.

Behind on my school work, but the semester is over in 8 days! Lot's of work to do this week!

Oh my

I woke up this morning and quickly realised something was amiss. Griffin was very vocal and was practically yelling at me. It took me about 30 seconds to realise that I hadn't seen Garrett all night. Then I realised that somehow, I just accidentally left Garrett outside all night. I'm not even sure how he got out. Oh my. He was panicking on the front porch when I opened the door this morning. His paws are all dirty. A toenail is bloody and broken. He busted his coat and filled up 3 or 4 brushes worth of fur. His allergies were giving him green gooey and dark red eyes.

Deciding that a visit to the vet might be in order, for his conjunctivitis, and apparent allergies, and his bloody toe, and also so that I could confess how terrible a mother I am, we went. Garrett got a Benadryl shot - knocked him out. Toe looks better. He still loves belly rubs at the clinic, all is not lost.

And, the mystery is solved - a window screen had been pushed out and rested on the ground under the mud room window. Garrett must have fallen (jumped?) out sometime on the early side last evening. That would explain why he didn't come running when I put his dinner down.

All I have to do is keep track of myself and two cats. And, somehow, I couldn't manage to do that last night. ::sigh:: And, even odder is that I didn't feel nearly as panicked as I think I should have been... Hm.

All right, 3 souls, 8 paws and 2 feet accounted for tonight. Good night's rest.

Busy and sad week

I love that, after months of tests, exams, & doctors visits, the apparent solution to my IBS came in a off-handed comment my midwife made a few months ago, "You should try calcium supplements, I hear they are very helpful." Calcium-magnesium with Vitamin D - brillant!

More settling in to the new abode: pictures on walls, closet organized, curtains hung.

Busy week ahead: exam (#1), book club, phone-banking, house warming, exam (#2).

~~~~

Ally Raye Beskin Riner, rest in peace.